An end in sight?

I know I posted on Facebook what happened with this last surgery, but I know I haven't posted on here in quite a long time.  And, since it's (fingers crossed) nearing the end of this particular journey in my life, I thought I'd hop on 😁.  

I hady last surgery on Wednesday Jan 8th, where we chose to put the "other type" of trach back in.  I guess when she asked me about it, it was all so fast I didn't have time to process much.  I know this type needs to be in for a little bit before she does the resection surgery, so if we are going through with this soon, hell yes I'll take whatever type you want to give me!

The last time we had this type of trach in for a trial, it was very short lived.  It didn't sit right in me, it hurt, I had a very hard time breathing, so she put the T-tube back in.  This time, after so far it's only had the "pain" from surgery.  And whatever it is I'm pushing through it because I want this dang thing out!  I've been eating popsicles like crazy to soothe my throat!

If I don't attend events, parties, gatherings....please don't get offended.  I'm staying home as much as I can (without going completely crazy) because I literally want NOTHING to hinder this surgery.  

I go back to see Dr. Gray in the clinic on the 24th.  Again, fingers crossed, sheoves forward with setting the date for the surgery!  This has been a 5 year journey I never thought "I" or my family would be on.  Since surgery on the 8th, I still don't have a voice, but everything around there is extremely swollen still, so after that goes down, I may be able to talk!  

I am still extremely exhausted, not sure if it's my body preparing for the next surgery or having had too many surgeries... probably the latter.  My day normally consist of reading, resting and more reading and resting.  I figured if I get all this resting in (because I literally can't keep my eyes open) once Im done with surgery and recovering I'll really be ready to go go go!  

I've gotten out on the ice fishing a couple times so far this winter.  I'd like to get out more before the next surgery, but when it's too windy it's too hard on my trach, so we will see.  I out-fish Benji so, I think he's happy if I stay home 😂.  

Dr. Gray had mentioned moving to a smaller trach when we did the surgery earlier this month, so maybe on the 24th she will put a size 4 in, then she can see if the tissue grows back, exactly where it is.  This way she makes sure she gets that "whole area" when she does the resection.  If no tissue grows, maybe she will just try and pull it.  I never know what her mind is thinking.  I feel like it's just spinning all the time.

Honestly, I just want this all to be over.  I'm over being sick all the time, I'm definitely over surgeries, I'm over not being able to talk to my kids, family and friends, over not being a dependable employee, just over it.  Bring on this surgery!!!!!  And soon!!!!