Seriously?

When you were a kid, were you ever sick the night before you were supposed to do something really fun the next day?  Like go to a friend's house for a sleep over, or go on a field trip or something?  So, when you woke up, and all throughout they day you kept telling yourself you were better, even though maybe you weren't, just to make yourself think you were?  I remember one time I did.  Then, I went to that friends house and, in a short amount of time after being there, I threw up.  

Well, I think I'm in the same predicament.  I wanted to be able to so badly just work one shift at Baga.  The job that is my dream job.  The job that has been my absolute most favorite in my life.  The job I have felt I have done my best creative work at.  Just one two hour shift.  And I couldn't.  I wanted so badly to see all my Tempesta relatives I only get to see two times a year, and I already missed the first time due to being sick.  I wanted to see all the people enjoying the band Paul Nelson brought up from Florida.  But nope, I have been coughing up so much blood through my trach that is not normal for me and I felt it was time to be "real" with how I felt and realize the antibiotics I had been on weren't working.  So I called the on-call for my pulmonologist.  She said I was to go to the nearest ER.   So I put a bra on, brushed my teeth and went.  

Of course, lungs still have wheezing and ronchi in them, still have the upper respiratory infection.  The Dr. said that the antibiotic i was on wasn't fully susceptible to my infection.  So he switched me to yet another that provided better coverage.  But he wants me to follow up early this week with my primary, and still see my ENT at the U of M for my trach on Thursday.  

Another think is, he really thinks I will need to go on a short burst of Prednisone to help with the wheezing.  We all know how I feel about this.  So does he.  He knows I don't want to, and said I could wait and see how I respond to the Bactrim,  but thinks I will ultimately need it in addition to.  😭😭😭. I really don't want to, not even for the weight gain anymore but more for the challenge to get me off of it.  So, we will see. 

I just really want to be better.  I HATE not working, I HATE not feeling well, I HATE not being able to do things, being around family/friends.  I'm just over it.