My New Life

Ok, I'll admit it.  I'm scared shitless.  I know this is what NEEDS to be done if I have any chance at getting better.  And, honestly, Tuesday can't come fast enough.  I did something today I never ever should have done, and I knew it too.  I googled Tracheostomy and watched a video of the surgery being done.  I've seen a video of it several times in school, so I know what it is like but when it is me in the situation it is completely different.  I am only 37 years old and need to have an artificial airway.  I am gladly welcoming the new year 2020.  I am determined it will be MY year!! 

This used to be my favorite time of year.  Key word USED.  In case people didn't know, I HATE being like this.  I would LOVE to be able to go to work, I would LOVE to not have to wear a mask, and I would LOVE to be able to skate with my boys at open skate.  Instead I worry about my kids and family being embarrassed to be seen with me because I have the mask, I feel like a burden, I have to rely on family to help with everything.  I hear people talk when they see me.  I am made to feel dumb when I go get labs drawn, seriously adults being bullies is terrible.  I'm not trying to get ANY sympathy, I just need to vent and want people to know that just because some people "look" different doesn't mean they chose to be like this.  I'm 37 years old with two kids and have to think about disability.  I have always been what I consider to be a hard worker and this truly destroys any pride I had.  Not much is new with my health, not getting any wor...